[Joker enters his office, to find Wendy posing sexily on his desk, wearing one of his dress shirts]
Joker: [to the sky] Well, it took you long enough, you bearded twonk, but you finally got me what I wanted for Christmas.
Wendy: Sir, we've talked about this.
Joker: [sighing] Yes, I know...
Wendy: Santa is very busy. He doesn't have time to read through every letter he gets, and you can't blame him for shoddy clerical help.
Joker: [cheesy grin] I suppose not everyone can have the best.
Wendy: I...think that was sweet, but with you, I never like to assume.
Joker: Will it get me into your knickers faster?
Wendy: Sir, my knickers are over there. [Gestures to the neatly folded stack of women's clothes in the corner]
Joker: Splendid! [Approaches desk]
Nancy: [charging into the room] Hold it! I have a contractual obligation to appear in every story where someone gets naked, so you - [shoves Joker to the door] - take off.
Joker: [stumbling] Excuse me!
Nancy: [looking appraisingly at Wendy] You're a bit scrawny, but I've done little boys before.
Wendy: [sighing, chin in hand] And there goes my sex drive for the rest of eternity.
Joker: [frantically] No! No, I can fix it! Let me fix it!
Nancy: [shoves him] You're leaving!
Joker: [verging on a whine] But...my Christmas present!
Wendy: [helpfully] It's actually closer to your birthday, Sir.
Joker: [full-on whining] My birthday present!
Nancy: Tough! Contracts are contracts, and I don't do threesomes.
Wendy: [murmuring] Although, you'll do anything else you can catch.
Nancy: You better believe it. You got any pillows around here?
Wendy: [floored] Pillows...
Nancy: [groping Wendy's boobs] Never mind, I found some.
Joker: ...Can I at least stay to watch?
Nancy: [turning from the desk] No! This is girl-on-girl, no boys allowed! It's the only sex allowed in this fandom anymore. Didn't you get the memo?
[Gun fires. Nancy drops to the floor, minus the top of her head]
Wendy: [splattered with blood] Yeah, well, I'm a villain now - as long as 90% of the fandom hates me anyway, I might as well get a little fun out of it.
Joker: [intrigued] My goodness, Wendy, where on earth were you hiding THAT?
Wendy: Why don't you come over here, and I'll show you?
Joker: [grin] Yes, ma'am. [leap]
[Cue cheesy 70's porno music and excessive desktop sexxors]
End Notes: Yeah, okay; it's Joker/Wendy. Sue me.
[The scene opens upon the peaceful living room of one Miss Nenene Sumiregawa. All is silence, save for the rapid clacking of Nenene's laptop keys, the occasional page flip from the book of one Miss Yomiko Readman, and the faint creaking of leather against leather as one Miss Nancy Makuhari fidgets boredly.]
Nenene: [annoyed, looking up from her laptop] What?
Yomiko: [reproachfully] Nenene, please try to be nice.
Nancy: Look, how long are we going to sit here? I thought the three of us were on a date.
Yomiko: [blinking, confused] W-well, what do you do on your dates, Nancy?
Nancy: [grinning] Why don't we go upstairs, and I'll show you?
Yomiko: [reluctantly putting down her book] Alright, I suppose we could try something new...
Nenene: [flatly] Forget it. I'm in the middle of a chapter.
Nancy: [grin widening] Then why don't the two of us go, and she can catch up?
Yomiko: Nancy, that's not very nice. We can't exclude Nenene like that.
Nancy: Yes, we can! It's easy! We just go upstairs, and--
Nenene: [without looking up] No, you don't. We broke the bed last Friday, remember?
Nancy: Fine! We'll go back to my place!
Yomiko: [trying to be cheerful] I have an idea! Why don't we wait until Nenene is finished with her chapter, and then we can all go?
Nenene: I'm not rushing.
Nancy: [standing up angrily] Okay; you know what? This isn't working.
Yomiko: [crestfallen] You're breaking up with us?
Nenene: [hopefully] You are?
Nancy: You-- [glaring at Yomiko] --have to make a decision.
Yomiko: But I already did! I said, 'Why don't we wait until Nenene is done with her chapter, and--'
Nancy: That's not what I mean! Look, Yomiko, I told you right from the start that I don't share. I gave it a try, but it's just not happening. So either you send her-- [gestures disgustedly to Nenene] --packing, or I'm out of here.
Yomiko: [sadly, with a wistful glance at Nenene] Are you sure that's the only thing that will make you happy, Nancy?
Nenene: [outraged] Hey, wait a second!
Nancy: [smugly] Yup. That's it. Tell her to take off, or I'm going.
Nenene: This is my house, idiot!
[Yomiko's eyes start to wobble a little.]
Yomiko: I tried so hard to make everyone happy...
Nancy: And now it's time to get rid of the excess.
Nenene: [disgustedly] And here I thought you were all about excess.
Yomiko: If this is really how you feel, Nancy, there's only one thing left to do.
Nancy: Sure is. Now, get to it.
Yomiko: I'm sorry, Nancy, but I think you should leave.
Nenene: [angrily] Well, this is just--uh, what?
Nancy: [flatly] You're kidding, right?
Yomiko: [sniffling, but resolved] No, I'm afraid I'm not. I'm sorry, Nancy, but...Nenene didn't object to you being here.
[A stunned pause, during which Nancy and Nenene exchange disbelieving looks.]
Nenene: Nope, the more, the merrier; that's what I always say.
Yomiko: [interested] I didn't know you said that, Nenene.
Nenene: I think I put it in a book once.
Yomiko: [excitedly] Really?! Which one?
[Yomiko hurries over to the bookshelf and starts flipping through Nenene's past works.]
Nancy: This can't be happening! I lost to her? I should just shoot myself now!
[Without turning from the bookshelf, Yomiko pulls a few pieces of paper form her coat pocket, and forms them into a paper gun, which she then shoves absently in Nancy's direction.]
Nenene: [cackling] Just don't bleed on the books, okay? It might make her angry. You wouldn't like her when she's angry.
[After a long, disbelieving moment, Nancy storms off, swearing furiously. Yomiko looked up, surprised.]
Yomiko: Oh, did she go?
Nenene: Looks like it.
Yomiko: Oh. [pause] Nenene, come help me look!
Nenene: Can do!
[Nenene sidles over to the bookshelf, presses closely against Yomiko's side, and makes a show of scanning the shelves while one hand creeps around to squeeze Yomiko's butt. Yomiko jumps and yelps. Nenene grins. Fade out on a flurry of pages as, in unison, both girls leap.]
End Notes: Wow! I think I might get to like Yomiko/Nenene! >:D
Even though my sweetie almost made me cry by sharing the mental image of Maggie standing in the background, wiping away a tear. ;_;
[The scene opens upon the darkened living room of the Readman-Makuhari home as Junior, having just discovered an unmoving body in the middle of the floor, stoops to investigate.]
Junior: Nancy? [shakes her shoulders lightly] Nancy? [notices the pool of blood on the ground] Nancy!
Mysterious Voice: She won't answer you.
[As Junior looks up, startled, the room is flooded in light, revealing the source of the mysterious voice to be none other than Ikkyu, in all his scraggly, robed, jingly-staff-wielding glory.]
Ikkyu: Hello, son.
Junior: I thought you were dead.
Ikkyu: And I thought you were a girl the first time I saw you. And the second, and the third--
Junior: Alright, shut up! What did you do to Nancy?
Ikkyu: I didn't know you were so close.
Junior: She's still my mother!
Ikkyu: No, she's your mother's clone. Or your mother is a clone of her. Something like that - it's confusing, you know?
[The front door opens. In walks the other Nancy, who is promptly impaled through the throat by a jingly staff.]
Ikkyu: She was your mother.
[Junior looks helplessly from Nancy to Nancy, then shrugs.]
Junior: Right; that was all, then?
Ikkyu: [dryly] Well, don't take it so hard, son.
Junior: I have a lot of homework tonight.
Ikkyu: Why don't you let me help you? I've got a couple centuries of schooling under my belt.
Junior: [grumpily curious] How's your algebra?
Ikkyu: [proudly] I'll have you know, I invented the 'X'!
Junior: I...think I'll do my own homework.
Ikkyu: [wilting slightly] Okay...how about a father-son fishing trip?
Junior: Drake took me fishing a while ago, and I nearly went mad from boredom. I think I'll pass.
Ikkyu: [slightly annoyed] Can I take you shopping for school clothes?
Junior: I prefer to buy my own clothes.
Ikkyu: [losing patience] Okay, fine. Then how about teaming up with me to bring the non-I-jin filth of the world to their knees? We shall stand proudly before the rivers of blood flowing through the land, and declare ourselves lords of all we survey!
[Junior takes a long moment to consider this.]
Junior: Yeah, alright.
Ikkyy: [hopefully] Can we embark upon a dark and sadistic sexual relationship due to the twisted nature of the evil brimming over in our souls blurring the boundaries of appropriate familial interactions?
[Junior glares sharply.]
Ikkyu: What?! You're pretty!
Junior: [sighing] Okay, fine.
Ikkyu: [taken aback] Really?
Junior: Well, Anita and Hisami have each other, Tohru doesn't like men, Michelle thinks I'm too young, and everyone else just...doesn't bear thinking about. It may be the only way I ever get any.
Ikkyu: A true romantic, just like your mother.
Junior: ...Want to do that fishing trip after all?
Ikkyu: [beaming] I thought you'd never ask!
[Fade to black as Junior and Ikkyu skip out the door, arm in arm, nearly tripping over a Nancy.]
End Notes: Yes. I am seeking help.